What is Kindness?

Nov 26 / Paul McNamee
When we say "kindness" in relation to mindfulness practice, what do we mean? What images come to mind when we hear the word "kindness"? What kind of feelings arise in the body? What kind of perceptions can we notice in our mind?

When we start to reflect in this way, we are beginning to bring attention to the preconceived ideas that we hold about a particular word or concept, in this case kindness, and what that word means to us. What comes to mind for you?

We can see that the preconceived ideas we hold are often based on our own personal experiences of life and what we have encountered. For example, some of us may feel a sense of warmth and joy in the body as we remember a visit to our grandmother’s house as a child, or perhaps the kindness of a friend offering us a gentle, soothing touch in a moment of grief. Maybe we feel a sense of judgment arise in the mind around ourselves or others: "I’m not very kind" or "I’m not kind enough." Maybe there is a sense of pressure to be or become something that we believe we should be, such as a kind person who always helps others no matter what. Sometimes we can experience the suggestions of mindfulness practice as a kind of self-judgement. That implicit in the encouragement to practice kindness is the insinuation that we are not already kind enough. These are all ways that we can be affected by even helpful suggestions and it’s important to recognise what is the truth of the moment for us.

Whatever arises for us in the mind, body, and heart when we hear a particular word, we can see as our conditioned perceptions that revolve around a particular concept—in this case, kindness. When we reflect in this way, it is meditation in action, as we are noticing how we relate to the concept of kindness and how that impacts how we perceive ourselves and how we are in the world. Right now, we may not feel like we are kind enough, or we may feel that the world is not a kind place. We may have our focus on conflicts on a global scale or personally, on injustice in our society, or on the sometimes seemingly cruel ways we can experience loss, grief, and betrayal in our own lives. On the other hand, we may feel a sense of appreciation for the kindness that we do see in the world and that we ourselves experience in our daily interactions: the simple greetings we share with strangers or the moments of beauty, care, and tenderness with our loved ones.

When we reflect in this way, it is not to decide that one way of looking is "right" and the other "wrong," but instead to see how a particular concept impacts us and to turn the attention to what is happening in this moment—in the mind, body, and heart. In this way we are going beyond the "shoulds" of the conceptual mind and contacting the direct reality of this moment.

When we contact the reality of how we feel—what is alive for us right now, what is the truth of our experience in this moment, be it grief, despair, sorrow, sadness, joy, gratitude, or love—then we are contacting the natural kindness of the aware mind. The inherent kindness of present-moment awareness, the kindness that is one with mindfulness itself.

In what way is kindness one with mindfulness?

When we contact our capacity for direct knowing of experience as it is in the present moment—our sense of being and the full complexity of feelings and sensations that are happening now—we are allowing all of this to be brought into present moment awareness. It is a profound act of kindness to allow even the difficult emotions, judgements and imperfections of this moment to be, to be known and contacted as the wild existence we call humanity. When we allow our emotions, sensations, and perceptions to be as they are in this moment, then we are aligning ourselves with the loving nature of natural awareness. We see that instead of kindness being a quality that we are short of and must cultivate and develop, it is an inherent characteristic of the awakened mind, ever-present and accessible only in this moment.

Natural loving awareness does not ask us to be a perfect ideal—such as a kind person—before it will receive us; it receives us as we are, in this moment, flaws and all. Could there be a more profound kindness than this?
In many ways, we can see that present moment awareness is like the light of the sun; it does not pick and choose which parts of us are worthy of its light and which are not. It simply shines unconditionally on the most beautiful and the ugliest aspects of natural existence.
So instead of seeing kindness as a personality quality that we possess or don’t possess, we can begin to see it as an alignment with our true nature, as a movement of trust in this natural capacity to shine a light on experience, to notice and be aware of things as they are.
We learn to align the heart with the reality of kindness that is already present, and in this way, we learn to offer this kindness to ourselves and other—the kindness of attention and care, the kindness of natural awareness that allows this moment to be as it is. The kindness where we are not acting from preconceived judgements or perceptions but from a tuning in to what is most helpful in this moment.

The kindness of allowing the present moment to be. 

So how are you now? What’s going on in the body, mind, and heart? What sensations can you notice? What emotions? What perceptions are you holding about yourself?
Can you notice within these perceptions the sense that you are not how you "should" be?
Only you can know how you are in this moment, but when you align yourself with this natural knowing, you are practicing self-compassion and kindness. So, we begin here, at the ultimate simplicity of now, at the square root of our experience.
Our natural awareness in this moment and the natural arising of emotions, sensations, and perceptions. The wild symphony of humanness, the sometimes-chaotic ecosystem of the body, mind, and heart, and the movements and intermingling of the elements of earth, fire, water, and air. Beyond this lies the ever-present, expansive, and accepting natural awareness. It allows all of nature to manifest, change, transform, and pass away.

When you allow this moment to be as it is, when you allow this humanness to manifest as it is, then there can be a profound sense of tenderness as you begin to encounter the unique struggles that this wonderful, beautiful, and sacred being you call "me" has faced. The self-doubt, the grief, the emotional upheavals, the profound desire to find a place in the world where we feel belonging and love, and the effort to be a force for good in the world, to be kind, to offer something back to the world. Can you sense these natural qualities in yourself?
Isn’t this being right here worthy of your love?
Through mindfulness practice, we learn to turn toward what is difficult within ourselves—such as the self-judgments we hold or our difficult emotions—and offer them our simple loving attention. This is what we call "practice," not judging ourselves for failing to live up to an ideal, but actually, we are simply aligning the heart with itself, with its own true nature—the natural kindness of ever-present loving awareness.

So how do we offer kindness to others?

If you recall the moments that you felt profound kindness from others, what was it that they were offering you? Was it some form of material gift or a particular experience? What was at the root of it that made it feel kind?
From this reflection, we may begin to see that it is our attention and acceptance, in whatever form those take, that are the most profound types of kindness we can offer others. When we have practiced looking inward and contacting our own difficult places, we cannot help but see that others are facing the same types of struggles that we have faced—the difficult emotions, the grief and loss, the self-judgments, and the desire for happiness, joy, love, and belonging.

The Kindness of Insight

When we develop the practice of mindfulness, we cannot help but become aware of the reality of impermanence, that all conditions are arising and ceasing, being born and passing away. From here we see that perfection or how things ‘should’ be is a construct of the mind but not a reality in nature. According to nature, a perfect rose is not one that is forever in bloom, but the rose as a seed, a seedling, and as a decaying and dead flower. This is "perfection" in nature, the realising that conditions arise and pass away. We learn to apply the kindness of this insight to our own world of emotions, thoughts, and perceptions—and to those of others.
This can result in a profound change in the ways that we tend to see ourselves and others. Instead of relating to ourselves as fixed concepts frozen in mind. We see that each of us is much more like a flowing river than a statue; we are not a static, unchanging reality, but a constant flow and flux of interdependent conditions.

Beyond this, that there is no absolute individuality but what Thich Nhat Hanh termed "interbeing." That nature and the earth itself are in such a constant exchange of elements that the strong borders we place around "me" and "you," "this" and "that," can only be maintained on the level of fixed perceptions, when nature itself is defined by its flux and change. This insight allows us to see that whatever perception we hold of ourselves or others could never be more than a snapshot of a particular moment, in a particular context, with a particular set of conditions. Just like a river, each of us is in an experience of flow, of movement and change, a constant intermingling of molecules that bounce off each other and interact ceaselessly with the environment around us. And yet, despite the different paths and meanders that we take, each of us is made of the same substance, and we are all invariably, inevitably destined to return to the sea.
So along the way, why not be kind?


We begin to see in ourselves our true nature.

- Paul McNamee